89 Reasons Why I’m Still Single (Voluntarily And Involuntary) Reason #1
After 22 years of learning to love myself in a world where people try to make it so hard for you to do just that (love yourself) I’ve finally found divinity in my singleness. I hope this helps others who are living with similar thoughts.
It is no mystery, I haven’t tried to hide it, I’ve actually made it VERY known…….that I’ve been single………for 21 (going on 22) years of my life.
After 22 years of learning to love myself in a world where people try to make it so hard for you to do just that (love yourself) I’ve finally found divinity in my singleness.
Late at night, in the early afternoon and on Mondays at 6:45 pm, I always reflect on my love life.
Lately, while searching for my inner peace, I’ve realized that for a very long time I placed the blame for my singleness on others!
Yes, men are 95% to blame but society is the other 5%…. Totally kidding, I’ll take the blame for the other 5%.
Usually when I’m getting to know someone the 8th thing I’m asked is “Why are you still single?”
I decided to list some reasons. Now when my future bae texts me and asks me that, I can simply send him the link to this blog. LMAO I’ll probably have to add that as the 90th reason I’m still single.
Anyways Let’s get started!
Reason 1. I was thirsty af!
Totally Kidding. Maybe the word isn’t thirsty but I was boy crazy.
Growing up, I always had male friends, I hung around my male cousins, I felt really comfortable around guys. I felt like I could be myself 100% of the time, as supposed to when I was hanging with girls.
As I grew older and life took it’s toll, this confidence that I once had as a child, slowly started to disappear. Along with that confidence, went my comfortability around men. (I think I made that word up)
I realize now that it isn’t thirst. It’s eagerness.
For the past five years I was so eager for someone to love me.
Never in a MILLION YEARS did I see myself trying to CONVINCE someone that they were in love with me. True story. I can laugh about it now because it’s in the past…even though it made me a little sad to write that last paragraph. LMAO
I also feel a tinge of sadness, because I am SOOOOOOOOOOO loved by so many people in this world so why did I want this one persons love so badly.
It’s almost as if I made up some rule that if I could get him to love me, I became validated. Like “Hey guys look! A guy loves me! See!” Idk maybe I thought I’d get some kind of sticker or something.
I believe this stems from comparing myself to others. I was always “the single friend” or “the awkward friend” or “the quirky, goofy friend”.
“Boys” were always something that my friends and I talked about. My friends had been dating and had boyfriends since they were about 11 years old and then there was single ‘ol finding myself’ me.
I had this negative rant that repeated in my head telling me that I wasn’t a whole woman, until I had been loved by a man.
But does that count if the man doesn’t love himself?
The void that I was trying to fill was a void that only I could fill with my own self love.
Although I didn’t receive the love I thought I deserved; the lack of love that was presented, taught me how to love myself even harder, I no longer had a choice. If I didn’t start to love myself at that very moment, my spirit and my confidence would’ve been completely broken.
I think the worst thing to do in a situation like that is to judge yourself. I say that because as I write I’m slightly judging myself lol
I’m more so judging my old way of thinking. I feel compassion for myself when I reflect on moments like those. I know that people do a lot more to get love, so I’m glad insisting that someone was in love with me is all that I did. lol
(Sidenote: If you did more than just beg for love, no judgment. A toxic love will LITERALLY blind you and cloud your mind)
Before I go any further I need to clarify that in my eye, there’s a difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone.
I’ve only been in love with one person.
I’ve loved several people I “talked” to though.
It’s so interesting because I’m a very loving person but the older I get the less verbal I am about my love.
Not just my love for people but my love for all things. Nowadays it seems like we’re working with some kind of imitation love. I don’t know where it came from, it’s probably been around all along but I was too young to see it.
I’m going to continue to work on this. I am still working on loving all things freely. Awareness is the first step so I’m on the right path, ‘courage’ is what I need to call on next.
I have a lot of other things to talk about regarding this topic, I have some more posts already in the works.
I wanted to leave this one on a bit of a cliffhanger, mostly because in honor of authenticity, I haven’t found complete peace with my past and I’m still working on not judging myself for WANTING to not be single at times (it’s a passing feeling).
I crave a genuine bond, respect, commonalities and time…the list can go on and on!
If I was thirsty I probably would’ve been in a relationship by now, probably not a healthy one but I would’ve been in one!
Stay tuned for reason #2 of why I’m still single..
Xoxo Love Atiya
^^^ NOT ME.....because i'm single af LOL