Are you scared to feel actual emotions?…
When I decided to write a blog, I knew that it was going to be a very personal blog.
I’ve always loved expressing myself, writing my thoughts down, talking to people about what was on my mind… but I sometimes didn’t like the fact that I was SO open about SO much.
As life went on, I started encountering so many people who made their lives become such a mystery. It was like I had to pull facts about them out of them and that crap was EXHAUSTING! Those were also usually the same people who scrutinized me for being so expressive.
After having several different similar encounters with people, I learned that I am the way I am and I can either, fight it and slowly dislike myself or I can embrace it and love every moment that I live and express in my truth.
When Robin Williams passed away, I felt like all I read on social media was “I never knew he had depression, he was always so happy.” The list can go on and on of celebrities who have committed suicide, over dosed, gotten addicted to drugs and continuously put on a smile for crowds until they simply couldn’t take it anymore.
In a lot of cases, when you live with both depression AND anxiety… It’s like your mind WANTS you to talk about it but doesn’t know how, which can lead to a long road of feeling lonely and misunderstood. If you add some lack of self esteem in there, maybe you are able to express yourself but that annoying little voice in your head tells you “No one cares” so you just keep it to yourself or you write it down. That way no one can tell you how you’re feeling. Because I’m sure everyone who has dealt with depression or whatever you’re experiencing, has heard these things:
“It probably isn’t really depression, just a bad day” (until it lasts for about a week)
...or what about this gem
“You just have to look on the bright side” DON’T YOU THINK I WOULD IF I COULD?! I’ll look on the bright side after I wade through the thick grey clouds that are hovering over my head.
In a lot of these situations, when you speak to those who truly know you the best, they feel helpless because they simply…..don’t know how to help!
I know because before I could identify with the feeling of “depression” and “anxiety” I used to judge the CRAP out of everyone who labeled themselves as having that.
In my last “bout” of depression I felt like I was in utter despair, which was one of the scariest feelings I’ve felt. I had a couple of days of free time and normally, working distracts me from whatever ill feeling that I’m experiencing.
This week I was forced to encounter every emotion that I had pent up inside of me.
I spoke to someone close to me recently and they asked if I felt like blogging about my depression was a good idea. They didn’t want me to be branded as “the girl with depression”. It’s so funny because I thought he same thing before I posted my first blog. I know that they were just worried about me, little did they know, I was worried about me too. Lol
Luckily after they read my blog and we had a discussion about it they gained some clarity and understanding as to why I decided to be so open about my feelings. I also gained some clarity about why I thought it was a good idea to be so damn open lol.
BUT last night I had an epiphany. I may not be “The Girl With Depression” but I am also not what most of the people who have encountered me think of me as…which is “The Girl Who Is Happy All The Time”.
After having a conversation with myself, I finally realized that I am Atiya. That’s it. Some days I’m very genuinely happy and I may experience 9 minutes of a sad feeling. Some days my energy is so low but I may experience a bit of hope and happiness for a few minutes. Within all of those emotions they all have one thing in common…They are all a part of me.
Society teaches us that we aren’t allowed to cry in public, it isn’t good to show when you’re angry, if you’re happy you’ll make sad people feel even worse and if you’re sad, don’t bring that energy around happy people because you’ll bring them down…
WHAT THE HECK IS LEFT TO FEEL AFTER THAT?!
We have placed such rules on our emotions and whenever there is a sign or an action where someone shows a bit of emotion that the entire group may be feeling, but just hasn’t expressed it. 9/10 instead of getting empathy they’d get scrutiny.
In my generation the new trend is not to feel anything. Being numb is cool. You can’t get your heart broken if you’re numb, you won’t feel loss when someone leaves you if you didn’t care about them in the first place. Love causes pain so there’s no need to spread love.
(side note: the person who you LOVED causes you pain, not love itself. Stop blaming love!)
…anyways my point is, we are so scared to feel and if we DO feel, we are so scared to show it.
I don’t know how I want to conclude this blog, I can go on and on for days but I wanted to give a more in depth look on how I see emotions.
My blogs will be about an array of topics but and I will speak about them in the voice of “Atiya” because I have no other voice then that one. Sometimes it may be a deeper blog, sometimes it may be light hearted. Most of the time it will be a combo.
My goal in life is no longer to be understood, it once was, but it isn’t anymore.
My goal in life is to inspire.
I hope that after reading each and every post, everyone feels at least 30% more inspired then they did prior to clicking this blog.
I give you love and look forward to writing my next piece.
Xoxo Atiya Lee