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My Life As A Twinkie: Removing The Mask and Releasing The Light Within

January 31, 2017

Hello beautiful souls!

 

Today I want to share some reflections and huge revelations....which just so happened to be discovered while I was a Twinkie.

 

 

 

See that girl right there? Yup! That's me. I have truly become a renaissance women! I've always loved to entertain but I've taken it to a whole new level.

I started thinking about my time in the costume.

 

Sometimes I would be so hot in the costume that I would put my head up to the air hole in my hat, close my eyes and take deep breathes.

 

Other times I would literally stand in the costume with my eyes closed, head pressed against the air vents that were also in the eyes and I'd wave whenever I'd hear my co worker (her title was my "handler") offer someone a twinkie.

 

Sometimes my shoulders would hurt so bad I would sway to help distribute the weight. In the publics eyes it looked like I was dancing but on the inside I was in so much pain.

 

While all of this was going on inside of the costume, no one knew! 

 

On the outside I was (well the twinkie) was smiling.

 

The most interesting part to me was the panic I felt whenever it seemed like someone could see me, it's like they were looking right through the costume! 

 

Most of the time I was so in character that when someone would take a picture, I would smile inside of the costume! Towards the end of the day I stopped smiling for the pictures, I'd even hide my face inside the costume just incase the flash showed a peek of me.

 

Doesn't this sound familiar? 

 

Let's think of this metaphorically speaking. 

 

Let's think of the mask or costume we put on everyday to face the world.

 

What does your costume look like? 

 

We all have one. 

 

Mine is always smiling, no matter what is going on internally. I've literally had days where I would smile in people's face all day and then come home, sit on the floor and cry.

 

How about the Anxiety I felt when I felt like someone could see me inside of my Twinkie costume! Do you panic when you feel like someone can see the real you? 

 

I know when it comes to dating, when I feel like someone is getting too close or a little too deep, I definitely panic and back away AS FAST AS POSSIBLE (it's something I'm working on every second of every day so future bae feel free to see right through my mask...) 

 

well hopefully by time I've met my bae there will be no mask to hide behind because I'll just be so comfortable in my skin, while living authentically and wearing my heart on my sleeve...

 

ANYWAAAAAYS

 

Have you had your costume on for so long that YOU can't even see the real you? 

 

Sometimes I really have to ask myself how I'm REALLY feeling! Sometimes I'll be so sad and then I'll think about it and I'm not even really that sad, it was just a comfortable emotion to be in.. Or sometimes I'd fake happiness for so long that I couldn't figure out how I was actually feeling!

 

False happiness turned into numbness. I avoid numbness for the most part but sometimes I crave just a second of not feeling anything at all.

Also pretending not to be who you truly are and not to express how you truly feel... or even allow yourself to feel what you truly WANT to feel is FREAKING EXHAUSTING! 

 

I remember one time I was going through some things emotionally and my twin (we KINDA have the same birthday) told me that even on my worst day, I still shine brighter than some people on their best days. I never saw that, until I watched the video of myself dancing as a Twinkie. 

 

Even in the costume, Atiya still pours out! You can feel my spirit, you can see it in the way I move. My shoulders were KILLING me but that didn't stop me from dancing hard. I was so tired and my body is STILL hurting but somehow I still managed to shine and bring smiles to the faces of people.

 

I'd like to ask you to write tonight/today, even if it's just a sentence.

 

Answer these questions (I'll answer them too) before you go to bed, start your day or whatever you do around the time that you're reading this.

 

What does the mask that you wear daily look like? 

 

Why do you wear this mask? Are you protecting yourself? If so, from what?

 

What are three things you're scared others will see once you remove your mask?

 

Do you wear a mask for others or do you really wear the mask for yourself?

 

Now list 10 reasons why you believe the you inside of the mask, the real you, the soul you is AMAZING! Yup! 10 whole reasons. Feel free to comment or share them below in the reflection box if you're feeling open :)

 

I send you love,

 

Until next time

 

Xoxo Atiya Lee 

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