Let me tell y'all why I've dated the guys that I've dated and why I haven't dated the type of men who I know I deserve.
I'll start with the reason I've dated the men that I've dated in the past.
I don't have much experience when it comes to committed relationships BUT I do know that I liked to date guys with issues.
I thought that maybe, if they had issues, then maybe MY issues would be more tolerable to them and to myself.
BOY WAS I WRONG. Every relationship with someone with DEEP issues became a competition of who had the most issues. I truly do believe you attract the type of person that you are at that time…and at that time I had a lot of unhealed wounds, hence I attracted those of a similar kind.
Having someone in my life with just as many issues as I had, helped me gain a lot of compassion for these guys.
Some of them went through things that I could never even imagine and their strength to endure it all was magical to me..... but that extra bit of compassion that I had for them, became the main reason I'd make excuses for their actions that lacked love. A lack of compassion for myself also seemed to be a reason I'd endure such disrespect for so long.
One of my favorite movie quotes is from the movie "the perks of being a wallflower" and it goes "we accept the love we think we deserve".
I accepted the love I thought that I deserved, even though, deep, deep, deep down inside, I knew that I deserved so much more.
After I had an emotional breakdown in 2016, which I'm not even ashamed to share because it brought me life's greatest epiphany, I learned that no one can fix you but you.
I played the damsel in distress in ALL of my relationships, always begging for love, I believe at some point I stopped begging for respect and only settled for as much respect as I could get, I always wanted someone to protect me... which is fine, in a relationship you should feel safe BUT I learned that in order to receive what I wanted, I had to give it to myself first.
I had to focus on my issues and stop trying to help others mend theirs.
I filled myself with an abundance of love and respect and I began to protect myself! I no longer needed to be saved or fixed. My ego was the main reason I stayed in these situations. The abuse kept me on my toes, it made me feel alive, it gave me something to do because after I was wounded, I would always have a mission to heal something within me, it gave me a story, until eventually, that story became too embarrassing to tell because I realized that I was literally putting myself into the hands of men that I knew would mistreat me.
I think that I got so tired of having faith in a guy and then getting disappointed because he wasn't who he said he was. That maybe, if I messed with someone who was obviously emotionally unavailable, there wouldn't be a major shock.
Again, I was wrong.
Thank god, due to life circumstances, I was able to see the light. Now I can smell a guy who is up to no good from miles away and some days I have to catch myself judging men who I know nothing about. Some days I also have to catch myself ignoring obvious red flags, that's a big, big lesson of mine. Especially because I'm so intuitive!
Now when it come to the guys that truly tickle my fancy, my dream guy!
I'm simply intimidated by him.
The most extraordinary men I have met, are all a part of my family, they also all have their issues!
Great people have issues too... but for some reason I just don't feel like my dream mans issues would compare!
I'm assuming and judging him before we even meet!
In my head, the guy for me at this phase of my life won't eat meat (this matters more than you know), he'll meditate, he'll be celibate, he'll be motivated, he'll have goals and dreams, loves to read, good hygiene and a loving relationship with himself.
In order to start receiving that, I had to make sure that I was everything that I was asking for!
I read a post one time that said "don't be a food stamp, asking for a black card" I love that!
Although I'm no food stamp, I definitely feel like I wasn't everything that I would want in a partner.
So I've begun making some major changes!
If the last guy that I had in my life was truly a reflection of me, then I am a young woman who has so much potential but because of my past, I put on a show for others to see. I am growing but I am also holding on to things that I know will stop me from reaching my highest potential.
Again, that's only if my last love was a reflection of where I am in my life.
Although my last experience with a guy was far from healthy, I learned some of my biggest lessons from that experience!
The death of us gave me new life.
Another rebirth has taken place and I am at a place where I only want to keep growing, keep getting better.
I keep having dreams about my "dream guy", maybe it's just the universes way of motivating me, maybe he's somewhere watching me take this journey, waiting for me to be ready. Maybe the universe is saving him for when I can truly appreciate him.
But whatever it is, I am grateful, I am patient and I am love.
Open your hearts today, to yourself, to your own love.