How Does Shame Affect Intimacy?

Love Atiya
May 31
6 min read

How Does Shame Affect Intimacy?

Don’t mind me, just thinking about how I used to lay on my back while someone had their head between my literal legs, which is probably one of the most vulnerable positions we both could've been in. Yet even in what was supposed to be an intimate situation, I couldn't enjoy it because I felt ashamed.

Thankfully, I don't blame myself as I once did.

No, that's because the blame actually belongs to its rightful sender: society, the patriarchy, the male gaze, misogyny. Should I go on?

I think of shame like I think of glue. It's often white, sticky, and if it stays on us long enough to harden and can keep us feeling stuck.

The good part about glue AND shame is that they can be removed with some gentle wiggling and work.

I couldn't enjoy the beautiful deeply connected act of receiving oral sex because I was told, by the many messages society produced, that I was doing everything wrong, including…

How Long It Took Me to Orgasm

I was so worried about how long it was going to take me to orgasm that I quite literally could not be in the present moment because I was so focused on the end.

How could I feel any pleasure if I was spending all of my time and energy worrying about how long it was going to take for me to feel pleasure instead of actually feeling the pleasure?

The Taste and Smell of My Vulva

I was so stressed about how I smelled and tasted that I was probably actively changing the way that I tasted because I was so stressed.

Your body is so fancy that your hormones can literally dictate how you taste, of course in addition to a whole lot of other factors, stress hormones as well as happy hormones can quite literally change your body chemistry and flavor.

How could I enjoy all the good sensations if I was completely disconnected from my body and worried about if I tasted like strawberries or sweat?

The Faces I Was Making

Did I look sexy?

Was my hair okay?

Were my eyes cocking to the side?

Was my mouth open for too long?

Why did I sound like that?

Am I about to fart?

There was a merry-go-round happening in my mind of thoughts and concerns about how I was showing up visually in bed.

While doing the most carnal, intimate, messy, feral act, I was expected to look like a dainty pretty princess or whatever the hell the male gaze acts like they want us to look like mid-intimacy.

So I put on a performance instead of feeling what was meant to be felt.

Sound familiar?

How My Vulva Looked

Prior to this week, the last time I'd looked at my vulva, I'd freaked myself out and became highly intimidated by her looks.

I started seeing things that were normal parts of my vulva but looked like they needed some help and assistance. I was like “what’s that lump?” The whole time, the lump was just an internal and NORMAL part of my vagina.

I met my body with such unfair judgement and ridicule.

It actually wasn't until this very week that my pelvic floor therapist had me look at my vulva in a hand mirror while she ran a few tests.

My very first thought upon taking a look at my Polly Pocket was:

"Awwww omg, she's so cute!"

I loved the way she looked.

I loved her colors.

I loved her secretions.

I loved her folds.

I loved everything.

It was like I was experiencing a mix of grief and gratitude at the same time.

Grief for the moments I couldn't enjoy because I was so self-conscious about how I thought my vulva was supposed to look.

And gratitude because I'd come so far for my first thought to be a positive one when I'd looked at my vulva.

Ahhhhh, thank goodness for time.

And that's what's really required when it comes to creating a new relationship with your vulva and your pleasure.

So when the question is asked, "How does shame affect intimacy?"

It affects not only our intimacy with our partners but our intimacy within ourselves.

With our bodies.

With our minds.

The truth is, the more we can spend time meeting ourselves, the more intimacy we can create and feel with the world around us as a whole.

I know the whole "fall in love with yourself first" thing sounds so cliché, but if you're home making the faces carelessly, falling in love with the harmony of sounds you can make even if they sound more carnal than pretty, actually ESPECIALLY if they sound more carnal than pretty, smelling your sweat and being turned on by yourself anyway...

The great news is that things really do get better.

It's all in the practice.

Now, here are some tips on exactly how we can shift our relationship with shame so we can deepen our connection with intimacy.

1. Spend Time Looking Without Judging

Grab a mirror and spend a few moments simply observing your vulva. Remember, we’re analyzing, critiquing or comparing.

Notice the colors, textures, folds, and uniqueness of your body.

When judgment appears (because it probably will), gently replace it with curiosity.

Ask yourself:

What am I noticing?
What have I been taught to believe about vulvas?
What if my body was never the problem?

The goal isn't to force yourself to love what you see immediately. The goal is simply to meet yourself where you are. Practice this as often as you’d like.

2. Practice Receiving

Many of us have been taught how to give but not how to receive.

The next time someone offers you a compliment, support, affection, or kindness, resist the urge to deflect it.

Instead, try saying:

"Thank you." and let it land.

Receiving pleasure starts long before the bedroom.

3. Get Curious About the Stories Shame Tells

Shame often speaks in inherited voices.

Maybe it sounds like:

"I'm taking too long."
"My body isn't attractive enough."
"I shouldn't want this."
"Something is wrong with me."

When these thoughts arise, gently ask yourself:

Who taught me this?
Is this actually true?
Would I say this to someone I love?

Often, shame loses power the moment we stop treating it as fact.

4. Create Intimacy With Yourself First

Spend time connecting with your body outside of sexual experiences.

Massage lotion into your skin slowly.
Dance naked in your kitchen.
Take a bath without rushing.
Place your hand over your heart and belly while breathing deeply.

It’s important to remember that just like pleasure, intimacy isn't just sexual. It's the practice of being present with yourself.

5. Let Yourself Be Messy

Pleasure was never meant to be a performance.

Bodies freaking sweat.Bodies make cool sounds.Bodies shake & move in unexpected ways.

The more permission you give yourself to be human, the less energy you'll spend trying to look sexy and the more energy you'll have available to actually feel.

6. Celebrate Small Wins

Healing shame isn't a before-and-after transformation.

Sometimes it looks like:

Looking at your vulva and feeling neutral instead of critical.
Staying present for thirty extra seconds.
Allowing yourself to make a sound you would've once suppressed.
Accepting a compliment without arguing.

These moments matter. They are evidence that a new relationship is being built, one gentle choice at a time.

Shame thrives in secrecy, silence, and disconnection.

Intimacy grows through curiosity, compassion, and practice.

So if shame has been sitting beside you for years, that's okay.

You don't need to evict it overnight.

Just keep choosing connection, over and over again.

One breath.

One moment.

One act of self-love at a time.

If all of this is inspiring you to begin or continue the decolonization of your pleasure or is making you curious regarding your own journey, I’d love to invite you to dive deeper with me inside my Pleasure Library and sign up to become a member of The Ethereal Pleasure Oasis. The Oasis is a cozy online sanctuary that I created just for women like you.

It’s a sacred, playful space filled with videos, guided audios, and practical tools to help you explore breathwork, expand your pleasure, and reconnect with your body on a whole new level.

Think of it as your personal treasure chest for pleasure, where science meets sensuality. Ready to explore? Come join the Pleasure Library and let’s breathe, play and feel pleasure together.