BLOG 102: AN ERA FOR SOFT GIRLS WITH WARRIOR SPIRITS

Hello beautiful souls,

I know I'm only supposed to post one blog a month but I love ya'll so much I just had to post a double feature!

If you’ve just listened to episode two of my podcast you are now aware that I recently discovered that I am mentally ill.

The moment I walked into my mom's studio and realized this, I truly felt like I'd set myself free. So many things started to make sense. There was no way I could have a healthy mind & think of myself and talk down on myself the way that I do.

I am literally such a beautiful person so it truly takes a sickness to make me believe anything other than that.

The good thing about mental illness is that there are so many tools that can help living not feel so hard.

Some of these tools include:

Therapy, being out in nature, healthy eating to support a healthy mental, getting physical and really working things out through the body… the list goes on and on.

There’s been a lot of talk on Tiktok about redefining ourselves as women and stepping into our “soft girl era” which is all cool and dandy and I'm down for that because I have become so hardened by the world BUT…..

After seeing The Woman King, I have learned that there’s room for both softness and a warrior spirit. I used to think I had to pick a side, either be nice and kind or be reactive and vicious but duality exists for a reason!

Being nice and kind can only get you so far, it can also get you trampled over. As I break out of my people pleaser tendencies I’m learning how to find balance in my niceness. I can be kind but with boundaries and without fear of someone not liking me if I have a moment where I’m on the other spectrum.

Speaking of the other spectrum, my last relationship taught me that I am indeed a fighter. Unfortunately somewhat in the literal sense as well, meaning I fought BACK. That’s something I felt ashamed about for a long time.

It was something that was hard for me to admit. Yes, I was a victim for a while but I also quickly learned how to defend myself. I think the shame comes from staying in a relationship where I even had to tap into that fighter/defensive energy.

Instead of feeling shame for being in a relationship where I physically had to defend myself, I'd like to replace that with a feeling of pride for myself for leaving.

One of the biggest lessons my mother taught me was that it is 100% okay…. Actually it is imperative to know that you can always leave. It definitely had to be done when I was ready and I can’t even say I didn’t look back a few times but it wasn’t until I found the freedom in leaving that helped me truly be done.

So now comes more healing.

Do y'all ever get tired of healing? Cause I do.

If it’s not me healing from my sexual assault, it’s me grieving a death, if it’s not be grieving a death, it’s me trying to urgently save an animal in some way… IT. IS. EXHAUSTING.

I came home the other night to find out that my favorite aunt on my mom's side passed away and I literally didn’t even have the emotional capacity to accept it or even be affected but you know what I did have the energy for? Utter guilt.

Guilt is something I've struggled with my entire life. I make everything my responsibility. Does that make me vain?

My mom often says with love that I don’t have enough power to be able to cause the detrimental harm I believe I'm causing to the world (which like I know I'm not….but also do I really?

All of this while trying to navigate the regular life stuff as well! (bills, friendships, relationships etc)

I can barely even remember to eat (but this is imperative when it comes to taking care of your mental health so please make sure you nourish your body.)

During my most recent bout of depression I once again tapped into the art of resting but this time it was a bit hard because it felt like I had back to back deadlines and didn’t even have the time or space to be able to honor myself.

Thank GOD Tuesday rolled around and as most of you know, I take an “Atiya Day” every Tuesday where I shut off the world, decompress and go within.

I have therapy tomorrow, as well as an Atiya day which I'm SO excited about.

I’d like to conclude this blog with a gentle reminder that things do get better. In the words of Iyanla Vanzant there’s value in the valley and the bigger the breakdown is, the better and more beautiful and powerful the breakthrough will be.

You got this!

I love you

Xoxo

Love Atiya