Reclaiming the Gaze: My Exploration of Porn, Power, and Pleasure

Reclaiming the Gaze: My Exploration of Porn, Power, and Pleasure by Love Atiya

Trigger Warning: The topic of sexual assault is subtly mentioned in this article. Reader discretion is advised.

Did anyone else recently go down a pornography rabbit hole this week trying to find the origin, the root cause and the true intention behind pornography? No? Just me?

Porn. Yes, we’re talking about that word. The one quietly whispered and watched behind closed doors, the one that’s usually wrapped in secrecy, shame, curiosity, and mostly desire.

As someone deeply committed to the liberation of our sensual selves, I felt it was time we take a deep breath and really unpack porn: where it comes from, who it serves, who it harms, and how we can reclaim its power for ourselves.

Growing up, I had a tricky relationship with porn.

My first introduction to it was from my best friend's older brother (nonconsensually), I was about 10 or 11 and although I was curious when he showed it to me and his two sisters, it definitely made me feel very uncomfortable.

A few weeks later, before I learned how to delete my internet search history my dad found out that I’d been exploring the site “grosssex.com” (don’t look it up because lord knows what you’ll find now) BUT I do remember feeling such shame.

Not because my dad shamed me, I remember him being mortified (a normal parental reaction) but he didn’t make me feel dirty or bad.

Looking back on it now, not only did I feel shame about the content I was caught watching but I was also too ashamed to share that I’d learned about this site because of my best friend's younger brother; which comes with a heap of trauma in its own right but upon reflection, this moment truly made my adult self wonder…

Did every young adult's introduction into post happen the same way? Were we all introduced to it through inappropriate interactions with friends (or even in some cases family members?)

Were we just stuck in some perpetual loop of inappropriate moments leading us to hyperfixations to try to make sense of the inappropriateness we’d endured?

To find the answers, down the rabbit hole we must go…

Firstly, What even Is Porn, Really?

At its core, pornography is any material: visual, written, or audio etc created to stimulate sexual arousal. That can look like everything from ancient erotic poetry to modern-day OnlyFans content, from temple carvings of entwined bodies to low quality Cinemax throwbacks.

But not all porn is created equal, ethically or with equal intent.

First Let’s Talk About Its Roots: The Ancient Origins of Erotica

Long before Pornhub (controversial af), before Playboy (even more controversial), before pin-up girls and spicy novels, humanity had erotica.

In Ancient Mesopotamia (allegedly the earliest civilizations in human history) carvings and sculptures depicted explicit scenes as sacred acts. 

In India, the Kama Sutra wasn’t just a sex manual, it was a spiritual guide to pleasure, connection, and the divine union between bodies. 

The temples of Khajuraho (located in the state of Madhya Pradesh, central India) are covered in exquisite erotic art, celebrating sex as part of life and worship. 

In Japan, the Edo period’s shunga prints (handmade erotic illustrations) showed women in pleasure-forward scenes, often humorous, sometimes dreamy.

These were not made for profit. Nor were they made exclusively for men. They were shared among lovers, held as art, used in spiritual teachings, or crafted by and for women to explore their own pleasure.

Looking back, it seems like true intimacy was revered and sought after and THAT seems to be one of the missing links in today's erotica. 

So When Tf Did Porn Become Male-Focused?

Fast forward to the printing press, the rise of capitalism (money and greed), and the industrialization of everything…including pleasure. Porn began to shift.

By the 18th and 19th centuries, erotica became commodified. 

Erotica being “Commodified” means turning something into a commodity, something that can be bought, sold, or traded often stripping it of its original meaning, depth, or sacredness in the process.

Erotica was mass-produced, hidden in gentleman’s clubs, and eventually dominated by the male gaze defined by feminist theory as the act of depicting women from a heterosexual masculine point of view, presenting them as objects of male pleasure.

Porn was no longer about mutual arousal or sacred expression. It became about performance. Performance for male eyes. Female pleasure became performative, exaggerated, or entirely absent. Bodies were lit, posed, and edited for consumption instead of connection.

This makes me think back to males in nature. Have you ever seen two birds having intercourse? It looks like one of the most unpleasant things I've ever witnessed.

This led me to wonder is pain and nonconsent something that most males naturally get aroused by?

Is it simply in their nature? And can it be unlearned?

When Porn Forgot the Feminine

The 20th century ushered in the “Golden Age” of Porn. 

As porn became more accessible, it also became more extreme, more patriarchal, and more removed from real intimacy.

Female performers were often objectified, violated, and expected to endure pain while faking ecstasy. The industry became synonymous with male pleasure and profit.

Why did PAIN and uncomfortability suddenly become the focus of Erotic arts instead of pleasure and passion? I could count on both hands how many times I’d told a sexual partner I was in pain and they’d told me to “take it” something that they very clearly learned from the porn they’d watched growing up.

And yet, amidst all of this, there were flickers of resistance.

When Porn Wasn’t Just for Men

According to a deep dive on google, feminist porn pioneers like Erika Lust, Tristan Taormino, and Madeline Marlowe began creating films centered around consent, communication, and genuine arousal for everyone. 

These creators asked: What if porn could be healing? What if it could teach, inspire, and empower? What if it celebrated queer love, Black joy, body diversity, and true female orgasm?

Hence the term “Ethical Porn”.

There was (and still is) a growing wave of ethical porn, reclaiming porn as a tool for sexual awakening and education.

The Pros and Cons of Porn in Our Society

✅ Pros of Porn

• Exploration: Allows people to safely explore fantasies, kinks, and desires.

• Education: Ethical porn can teach consent, pleasure anatomy, and diverse forms of intimacy.

• Representation: Queer, BIPOC, disabled, and older bodies are finding space in indie and femme focused porn scenes.

• Accessibility: For people with limited access to partners or mobility, porn can offer relief and joy.

❌ Cons of Porn

• Misrepresentation: Mainstream porn often distorts what real pleasure and bodies look like.

• Addiction/Desensitization: Overuse or dependence on porn can create disconnection from real-life intimacy.

• Lack of Consent & Exploitation: Many performers are underpaid, coerced, or not fully consenting.

• Male-Centered Scripts: Most mainstream scenes prioritize male ejaculation over female orgasm or mutual connection.

What Now?

Porn, like fire, can warm or burn. It can heal or harm. And in this world of hyper-stimulation, disembodiment, and sexual shame, it's not enough to just consume porn, we must interrogate it.

Ask yourself:

• Does this porn reflect the kind of pleasure I want to experience?

• Does it celebrate all bodies, all desires, all genders?

• Does it make me feel more connected or more numb?

• Does the person in this porn truly look like they are enjoying it?

• Is this porn vexing my spirit?

• Does the person in this video LOOK underaged? (If so, report the video immediately)

• Do I feel uncomfortable watching this video because the person in the video looks uncomfortable?

I believe the future of porn is one where women are not props but protagonists.

Where pleasure is shared and experienced…not simulated. 

This is not just about porn. It’s about how we see ourselves and how we view our pleasure and others pleasure. How we allow ourselves to be seen. And how we reclaim our right to feel fully, freely, and without apology.

What are your views and feelings about pornography? Do you prefer to get off listening to the moans of your favorite adult creator OR do you love to use your own imagination? Or maybe something in between?

To continue the conversation…

Check out my Pleasure Podcast: https://theloveatiyaexperience.buzzsprout.com/ 

Check out The Ethereal Pleasure Academy: https://www.loveatiya.com/theetherealpleasureacademy 

Check out my Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TheLoveAtiyaExperience 

With love & lube

Love Atiya

Educator. Sensualist. Soft Rebellion Incarnate.