How To Ask Your Partner For What You Want In The Bedroom

How To Ask Your Partner For What You Want In The Bedroom

Communication… am I right?!

I know, I know. Asking for what you want in the bedroom (or anywhere for real) can feel like a whole journey, because it IS.

What if they say no? What if you’re rejected?

But also what if the gift is in the asking and not in the receiving. It’s easier said than done but once it’s practiced, it begins to feel a bit easier! 

Check out this throwback video from two years ago (pre "official" celibacy pause!) where I was practicing fire ways to ask a partner I was already seeing for sex again. The biggest takeaway? Be yourself and ask with confidence [04:53]! It was all about finding my voice and not asking like the person was going to say no [06:17].

You can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcMwN2iKThM

New Encounters: The Pacing & Consent Vibe Check

When we’re working with a new connection, we have to start slow because organic sex is great sex, and organic sex comes from a place of genuine safety and desire.

Vibe Check #1: The Limerence Trap

One thing that totally jacked me up in my past dating life was making up stories, fantasies, and whole ass relationships in my head before I even got to know the person in real life. This is called Limerence. Limerence is the state of being completely infatuated or obsessed with a romantic interest even if they don’t even know you exist. 

The Tip: Get to know your person IN REAL LIFE before you even address sex. You might find out that you don't even really like the person, or they might positively exceed your expectations! Regardless, we have to connect with reality, not the fantasy.

Vibe Check #2: The Intimacy Build-Up

Once you've cleared the Limerence hurdle and the vibes are right, let's talk about building non-sexual intimacy. This is crucial because it helps you gauge their comfort level and makes you feel safer, too.

• Maybe you hold hands on a date.

• Maybe you try some conscious Eye Gazing across the dinner table.

• Maybe you share some really deep exchanges in your conversations.

This build-up of physical and emotional closeness is the perfect practice for communicating in the bedroom!

Vibe Check #3: The Official Ask

Oh my goodness! It’s time to officially ask the question! But we're going to treat this like a sacred conversation because as we know, Consent is Non-Negotiable and always #1 on the list of importance.

• Start with a pre-conversation: I'd recommend asking if they are even open to having an intimate conversation regarding sex in the first place, this can be over the phone or in person. Be ready for any response, and if you're nervous, SHARE THAT! I find that authenticity is the best foreplay.

• The Educational Moment: Remember, consent isn't a one-and-done checkbox; it needs to be enthusiastic, ongoing, and reversible. It’s so important to remember that you can withdraw consent at any time, and so can your partner.

• Make it Fun: If the serious talk feels too heavy, make a game out of it! Pinterest and card games are great for finding lists of fun, deep questions you can ask to get to know someone better sexually. If you know me, you know I love a good list or quiz.

Once you have their consent to talk about it, GET CURIOUS and make it fun! Ask about their thoughts and preferences, and share yours. It doesn’t have to be as scary as we make it, pleasure is supposed to be fun, including the exploration of it! 

Your Communication Glow Up

THIS IS YOUR GENTLE REMINDER: Asking for what you want doesn't make you "too much," instead, it makes you very, very aligned with yourself and it’s a great way to see how aligned you are with others!

Bonus Tip: Your Nervous System is Listening

When we practice asking for what we want, you're showing the universe (and your nervous system) that your voice matters.

Start small:

• Ask your barista for your coffee exactly how you like it.

• Ask your friend for space when you need it.

• Ask your partner for a slower kiss, a softer touch, a longer hug.

If you’re nervous, I totally get it! I’m usually always nervous before I ask for what I want but in certain areas, I’ve practiced so much, it almost feels like a betrayal to myself when I don’t ask! 

If nervousness rises, it’s because your brain is sensing a threat. Try these phrasing shifts to speak your desire with confidence:

Instead of (Nervous/Apologetic)	Say (Confident/Clear)
“Can we try this? I don’t know if it’s weird.”	“Something that would really turn me on is…Can we try this?”
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”	“Would you be comfortable if I told you something that feels really good for me?” If the answer is yes: “It feels really good for me when…”
“Is it okay if I…?” (said nervously)	“I’d love to [touch/kiss/try this]—how does that feel for you?”
“I didn’t know if you’d like that…”	“I love learning what feels good for you—tell me if you want me to keep going or switch it up.”
“I guess we can stop if you want.”	“Tell me what feels like a yes, and we’ll stay there.”
“Should we stop?”	“How are you feeling right now—want to keep going or take a break?”
“I’m sorry, this might be weird but…”	“This is something that turns me on—would you be open to exploring it with me?”
“Can I touch you?”	“I really want to touch you—can I?” (soft tone, eye contact, pause)

Instead of apologizing for your desires, honor them. Desires aren’t demands, they’re actually invitations.

If You’re Scared To Talk To Your Partner

Another big standard of mine when it comes to sex is this: DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE SCARED TO TALK TO AND COMMUNICATE WITH [08:06].

Nervousness is normal, especially for those of us who may have experienced deep trauma in the past. But we have to remember, sex and intimacy should be created equally for both partners to enjoy. You have to be comfortable within your own body and with your partner to TRULY enjoy the act.

So if you’re not comfortable and don't know the person well enough to approach them, it may be a sign to take a pause and evaluate before taking action.

I love ya’ll so much and hope that after reading this you are tingling with excitement to give “asking for what you want” a try!

If all of this is making you curious (or even a little tingly), I invite you to dive deeper with me inside my Pleasure Library. It’s a cozy online sanctuary that I created just for women like you. It’s a sacred, playful space filled with videos, guided audios, and practical tools to help you explore breathwork, expand your pleasure, and reconnect with your body on a whole new level.

Think of it as your personal treasure chest for pleasure, where science meets sensuality

Ready to explore? Come join the Pleasure Library and let’s breathe, play and feel pleasure together.

I love you to the moon 

Love & Lube

Love Atiya

Founder Of The Ethereal Pleasure Oasis

Blog: How To Ask Your Partner For What You Want In The Bedroom