Pleasure After Sexual Assault | How To Identify Sexual Assault

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT

Pleasure After Sexual Assault | How To Identify Sexual Assault

Hello beautiful souls,

What we are about to speak on is a very tender topic and so I ask that we enter this space with care.

Please feel free to grab a cozy blanket, take a sip of tea, take a few deep breaths and get comfy.

Certain words that are used are going to feel a bit graphic but I do think it’s important to use the correct terminology when discussing topics like sexual assault as the words we put towards things can help validate our unique experiences. 

In a special episode of my podcast I talked about the back to back sexual assaults I experienced in 2022 and how difficult it was for me to identify my experiences as assaults in the moment due to me not knowing the spectrum of the term. 

I knew that I’d been violated but I hadn’t processed the extent. 

As I stated in my podcast I decided it was time to talk about it because:

1. Predators feed off of their victims' silence and rely on that for their own safety.

2. I didn’t feel like I could ask everyone around me to be authentic without being authentic about my struggle with the sexual assaults I’d experienced.

For education purposes this sharing is going to be all about definitions and how to define the things we never knew were forms of sexual assault. With that being said, please remember that definitions still don’t have to define you or what you experienced but they definitely did help me on my personal healing journey.

First things first let’s talk about “what’s considered what” according to rainn.org which stands for the “Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network”

Here is an excerpt from their website.

What is sexual assault?

The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Some forms of sexual assault include:

• Attempted rape

• Fondling or unwanted sexual touching

• Forcing a victim to perform sexual acts, such as oral sex or penetrating the perpetrator’s body

• Penetration of the victim’s body, also known as rape

What is rape?

Rape is a form of sexual assault, but not all sexual assault is rape. The term rape is often used as a legal definition to specifically include sexual penetration without consent. For its Uniform Crime Reports, the FBI defines rape as “penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” To see how your state legally defines rape and other forms of sexual assault, visit RAINN's State Law Database.

What is force?

Force doesn’t always refer to physical pressure. Perpetrators may use emotional coercion, psychological force, or manipulation to coerce a victim into non-consensual sex. Some perpetrators will use threats to force a victim to comply, such as threatening to hurt the victim or their family or other intimidation tactics.

Who are the perpetrators?

The majority of perpetrators are someone known to the victim. Approximately eight out of 10 sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim, such as in the case of intimate partner sexual violence or acquaintance rape.

The term “date rape” is sometimes used to refer to acquaintance rape. Perpetrators of acquaintance rape might be a date, but they could also be a classmate, a neighbor, a friend’s significant other, or any number of different roles. It’s important to remember that dating, instances of past intimacy, or other acts like kissing do not give someone consent for increased or continued sexual contact.

In other instances the victim may not know the perpetrator at all. This type of sexual violence is sometimes referred to as stranger rape. Stranger rape can occur in several different ways:

• Blitz sexual assault: when a perpetrator quickly and brutally assaults the victim with no prior contact, usually at night in a public place

• Contact sexual assault: when a perpetrator contacts the victim and tries to gain their trust by flirting, luring the victim to their car, or otherwise trying to coerce the victim into a situation where the sexual assault will occur

• Home invasion sexual assault: when a stranger breaks into the victim's home to commit the assault

Survivors of both stranger rape and acquaintance rape often blame themselves for behaving in a way that encouraged the perpetrator. It’s important to remember that the victim is never to blame for the actions of a perpetrator.

To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org.

THIS was so helpful to my psyche! What stood out the most to me was coercion.

One thing about me is I'm gonna attract a sociopath. They like me because they see my sweetness, they see my light, they see the love I so openly give and assume I'm non judgemental and a safe space for them to practice taking advantage of someone’s trust. That’s how they see me but this doesn’t give them permission to have access to me.

When my ex and I first started dating he introduced me to the movie “Ruby Sparks” if you’re not familiar with it, it’s basically a movie about an author who creates a girlfriend for himself within his writings and controls every ounce of his girlfriend's life and mind through his storytelling. Eventually she’s manifested into an actual person.

When he’d write for his girlfriend to be more affectionate, she would comply in real life and he would eventually become overwhelmed with her affections. 

This prompted him to change his story and make her become more independent. When she became more independent and wasn’t fulfilling his needs for attention he rewrote how he wanted her to be.

THIS was the first movie my boyfriend showed me and somehow I didn’t go running toward the hills. This was his dream. To have a girlfriend that was compliant to his every need and changed at the drop of a dime based on his ever changing requirements, also known as “moving the goal post.”

This is a tactic that’s used to break the confidence of a person by asking for one thing and once you achieve that “thing” the need is then changed to something else, leaving you feeling like nothing you do is enough. 

I mention this to show just how badly and quickly a sociopath can get into your mind and psyche and make you believe you want what you don’t really want.

I remember about a month or so before I shared my “virginity” with my partner at the time, we started doing something called “just the tip” which you’ve obviously heard of before.

I’d NEVER let a guy do this to me and deep down I truly didn’t want to feel a penis inside of me unless I was having sex for the first time.

SOMEHOW he convinced me to be okay with this because it would make HIM feel better and feel “more sensation” even though this was something I'd been adamant about not doing for so long, with so many other guys. 

As I reflect I can absolutely admit that this was definitely something I did to “keep him” which makes me so sad for that version of me but so grateful because I will never do that shit again.

I also think about the time the person who I refer to as “Toenail” propositioned me to have sex. He knew that I was actively getting over his friend and was going through other life things and within the first 5 minutes of me visiting him in his “god brothers” house he had a blunt rolled and a cup of wine ready for me. Obviously sus but I was craving the feeling of numbness so I was READY for the inebriation.

What I wasn’t ready for was what came next. 

By the time the night was over I was so drunk that I can barely even remember a lot of what happened that night.

One thing I won’t EVER forget is that I was so drunk and disassociated so hard that I literally fell asleep (or became unconscious) when I was on top of him.

There are so many missing puzzle pieces in this writing of mine because I honestly didn’t feel like reliving my trauma TWICE (on the podcast and here) so feel free to take a listen to the podcast if you haven’t already to get some more details.

The point is at the time I didn’t identify this as sexual assault so when he sexually assaulted me again, eight months later, I was finally able to put the pieces together.

When it came to my second sexual assault by him the most erie part was… 

1. He told me our mutual friend and his sister would be at his house while I visited. They weren’t. 

2. He knew I'd just been sexually assaulted a month before and asked me not to talk about it once I got there.

3. He swore up and down we wouldn’t have sex (because we’d almost ended our friendship the last time this was mentioned and I was adamant about not wanting to have sex with him again)

And of course there's so much more.

This may sound a bit confusing so let me clear it him. I’d experienced this person twice sexually and didn’t realize the first assault was a violation until the second assault happened.

I didn’t realize the second assault was sexual assault until I’d spoken with a friend right afterward and she’d identified exactly what I’d been through as sexual assault. Upon reflection, I realize that our first sexual encounter fell under the definition of coercion.

Here is when we learn about coercion. 

According to oxford language directory: Coercion is the practice of persuading someone to do something by using force or threats.

“You just made me mad” and “why would you get me this way if you didn’t intend to do anything” were just a few of the phrases that coerced me into feeling bad and guilty for him being upset with my boundary upon my “no”.

When I found difficulty being able to put words in titles to my sexual assaults, it was very helpful for me to learn about all of the different forms of assaults, and so below you will find that list and hopefully that can help you also feel more seen within your experiences.

Non-Penetrative Sexual Assault

• Unwanted sexual touching – groping, fondling, grabbing breasts, buttocks, or genitals without consent.

• Kissing without consent – any forced or non-consensual kissing.

• Forcing someone to touch another person sexually – making someone touch your or another’s body/genitals against their will.

• Dry humping / grinding without consent – rubbing one’s body or genitals against another person without permission.

Coercive or Manipulative Sexual Acts

• Sexual coercion – pressuring, manipulating, or intimidating someone into sexual activity through threats, guilt, or authority.

• Exploitation of power or trust – teachers, therapists, doctors, spiritual leaders, or bosses engaging in sexual acts with someone dependent on them.

• Sexual blackmail (“sextortion”) – threatening to share sexual images or information unless the victim complies sexually.

Non-Physical Sexual Assault

• Sexual harassment – unwanted sexual comments, jokes, gestures, or advances (verbal or nonverbal).

• Catcalling or sexualized remarks – making someone uncomfortable through sexual comments or suggestions.

• Voyeurism – watching or recording someone without consent while they’re nude, undressing, or engaging in sexual activity.

• Exhibitionism – exposing one’s genitals or masturbating in front of someone without their consent.

• Image-based sexual abuse (“revenge porn”) – sharing or threatening to share sexual images or videos without permission.

Drug- or Alcohol-Facilitated Assault

• Administering drugs/alcohol to incapacitate someone – giving someone substances without their knowledge to reduce resistance.

• Taking advantage of someone intoxicated or unconscious – any sexual act with a person unable to give clear consent.

Digital / Online Sexual Assault

• Sending unsolicited sexual photos (“cyber flashing”) – exposing someone to explicit content without consent.

• Online grooming – manipulating or building trust online with the intent of sexual exploitation.

• Recording or distributing sexual acts without consent – filming intimate acts without the other person’s knowledge or agreement.

Thankfully, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, which I like to mention because I need ya’ll to know I refuse to raw dog this healing process.

When it comes to the recovery process of sexual assault the best thing I can suggest is:

1. Therapy (and I’m talking about a therapist you truly connect with, one that makes you feel heard & seen)

2. Writing it out (because replaying it over and over again feels like a re-assault to me but getting it on paper and out of your mind can be so healing)

3. Working it out physically (literally moving it out of your bones and muscles can feel so cathartic)

4. Looking up videos on youtube from people who have been through what you’ve been through (THIS WAS SO HELPFUL FOR ME in my journey with self compassion ... but it can also be triggering so be gentle with this)

5. Find a way to creatively explain what you went through, for instance I write raps, short films and scripts, truly anything creative where I feel like I am in control of my story.

I’m still learning, still healing and still growing but I know that I am so worthy of getting to the other side. 

I hope this helps you with your healing and learning and growth and if you haven’t been through something like this I hope this helps you when you encounter and share space with somebody who has.

You are so strong and so beautiful and can make it through anything. After reading this, I want you to give yourself a hug. Do a little dance. Sing a little song. Shake it off (literally) and talk to somebody if you need to.

Thank you for holding space.

I love you to the moon and the stars.

We got this babes.

For more healing tools I invite you to dive deeper with me inside my Pleasure Library. It’s a cozy online sanctuary that I created just for women like you. It’s a sacred, playful space filled with videos, guided audios, and practical tools to help you explore breathwork, expand your pleasure, and reconnect with your body on a whole new level.

Think of it as your personal treasure chest for pleasure, where science meets sensuality

Ready to explore? Come join the Pleasure Library and let’s breathe, play and feel pleasure together.

Love & Lube

Love Atiya

Founder Of The Ethereal Pleasure Oasis

Pleasure After Sexual Assault | How To Identify Sexual Assault