A Flashback That Changed Everything: What Is Eye-Gazing & How To Use It To Have Better Sex

A Flashback That Changed Everything: What Is Eye-Gazing & How To Use It To Have Better Sex

Wooh, chile, who doesn't love a good flashback?

Two months ago, I was reminiscing so hard on one of the most intimate experiences I'd ever had that I felt compelled to send him an email, thanking him for his time and for the experience itself. I never got a reply, but that’s okay. The lessons I learned from this are enough to last a lifetime.

As many of you have heard, one of my favorite memories of exploring intimacy was with my “friends with benefits” back in 2021. This journey of pleasure was new for both of us, and it was something I’d always wanted to express and experience naturally, but had previously held back from with other partners.

What Made This Connection So Different?

For starters, we established a true foundation built on safety and honesty:

• We got tested and showed each other our latest results before deeply engaging in intimacy.

• We talked about our boundaries and desires beforehand.

• We established an actual friendship and trust.

• We spoke to each other honestly and transparently.

In my early adult years, I learned the very hard way that not everyone can handle intimacy. This was especially clear when I was meeting partners under the expectation of a "friends with benefits" setup, but they put no effort into the friendship side of things. That lack of effort then excluded the genuine intimacy that I craved.

To truly be intimate with someone, there has to be a level of trust and safety. This goes for self-intimacy as well. Intimacy equals connection. Unfortunately, outside of that special experience with my friend with benefits, the other people I’d shared sexual energy with wanted nothing to do with connecting with me in any way beyond the physical act.

The Sexual Pause & A Deeper Realization

Fast forward, and I’m three years into my sexual pause (minus those two times I had sex in 2024 … that was a quick pause within the pause!). Thanks to this pause, I have been able to reconfigure and update my wants, desires, and turn-ons.

I realized that one of the reasons I had such amazing sex with that one friend with benefits was because we allowed each other the safe space and room to practice true intimacy.

One of the newest forms of intimacy we practiced was eye-gazing. What was crazy was that this wasn’t something we intentionally tried. Our moments together were filled with such passion and intensity that we couldn’t help but pull back from each other and gaze into each other’s eyes in disbelief that we were feeling so connected.

What if I told you there was a literal science behind eye-gazing?

According to an article from Psychology Today: "French researchers used functional magnetic resonance imagery (fMRI) to measure changes in blood flow through the amygdala, the area of the brain that processes emotions. Averted gazes had no impact on blood flow into the amygdala, but during eye gazing, it increased significantly."

Note: While eyegazing can facilitate connection and attraction, it's also why prolonged eye contact can sometimes feel intense or even threatening. It's activating a fundamental part of the emotional brain.

Some More Science and “Wow Factors” Of Eyegazing:

A Release Of "Love Hormones": Sustained eye contact is linked to the release of key neurochemicals:

• Oxytocin: Often called the "cuddle hormone" or "love hormone," oxytocin is associated with bonding, trust, and attachment. Its release during eye gazing fosters a sense of connection and intimacy.

• Phenylethylamine (PEA): Sometimes referred to as the "love chemical," PEA is a neurotransmitter linked to feelings of attraction and excitement, particularly in the early stages of a relationship.

Brainwave Synchronization: Studies suggest that eye gazing can synchronize brainwaves between two individuals, a phenomenon known as neural entrainment. This synchronization is thought to enhance emotional and cognitive connection, making partners feel more in tune with one another.

If this doesn’t blow your mind, this next fact absolutely will.

Pupil Mimicry and Trust: When two people are engaged in eye contact, their pupils can synchronize (a phenomenon called pupil mimicry). Research suggests that we tend to trust people more when we observe their pupils dilate, and trust is built most powerfully when the pupils of both people synchronize.

The "Self-Other Merging" Effect: Direct gazing is associated with a psychological concept called "self-other merging." This is a feeling of "oneness" that reduces the perceived boundaries between "self" and "other," nurturing a deeper connection and shared humanity.

Stress Reduction: Eye contact that is attuned and compassionate can increase oxytocin, which has an inverse relationship with the stress hormone cortisol. This can help mitigate the effects of stress and lead to feelings of well-being.

Communication of Trust: Direct eye contact is a powerful non-verbal signal of trustworthiness and sincerity. People are often more likely to believe a person who is looking straight at them while speaking

Beyond the scientific backing of how eye contact can literally turn you on or activate your senses, undivided attention is a special gift in a world where it feels like disconnecting is the goal. Putting down our phones and looking into the eyes of someone you love just hits different.

Self-Eye Gazing & Self-Intimacy

"If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love anybody else?” The honorable RuPaul really hit the nail on the head with this one. I learned the hard way that it’s completely unfair to expect to experience intimacy with a partner without meeting yourself intimately first.

Eye-gazing with yourself in a mirror is a meditative practice that helps cultivate self-love, self-awareness, and personal healing.

• Eyegazing Increases Self-Awareness and Acceptance: Looking into your own eyes without distraction or judgment is a super powerful way to get "into me, see." It can gently bring up all of your dormant emotions and help you face yourself, leading to greater self-awareness and truly radical self-acceptance.

• Eyegazing Develops Self-Compassion: If you struggle with self compassion, this practice is for you. As a meditative practice, self-eye gazing allows you to intentionally connect with and speak loving messages (affirmations and mantras) to yourself, directly cultivating feelings of self-love and worthiness.

• Eyegazing Unlocks Emotional Clarity: By holding your own gaze, you can become more present and in tune with the sensations and emotions arising in your body. This clarity helps you identify and process feelings, which is a key part of your emotional healing.

Sidenote: I think we should normalize eye-gazing and intimacy with our friends and family as well. I totally believe in "platonic" intimacy in friendships and family dynamics. A little more connectedness in the world as a whole would help these moments of intimacy not feel as foreign. This would, of course, be a lot easier if sensuality and feelings weren’t constantly linked to sexuality, but the world is evolving...slowly.

Tips For Eye-Gazing

Here’s a guided process to try this powerful practice:

1. Get Comfortable: Sit as comfortably as you can while facing your partner (whether it’s on a bed, couch, or two chairs facing each other). To deepen the intimacy, you can allow your knees or hands to touch.

2. Calm Your Mind: Close your eyes and empty your mind as best as you can. Take about 10 slow, deep breaths. This mindful breathing can calm the nervous system and prepare you for enhanced intimacy.

3. Hold the Gaze: Finally, reopen your eyes and look directly into your partner's eyes. No talking, just eye-gazing. Breathe slowly, mindfully, and deeply. Feel free to blink or smile. It’s normal to giggle or want to look away, but the more you practice, the more natural and comfortable you will feel. Take it easy on yourself and your partner.

4. Set a Timer (Optional): If you want, you can set a timer for about 3-5 minutes. It’s your choice!

5. Conclude with Connection: After those 3-5 minutes, close your eyes again, take another 10 deep cleansing breaths, and then open your eyes, stand up, and give your partner a huge hug.

Remember you can also do this by yourself with a mirror and end the session by hugging yourself.

I’m so excited to practice this on my own again. The last time I tried self-eye gazing, I had a moment of “wow, I’m really alive af” I might have even wanted to cry a little, and it shook me LOL! 

So I’m excited to do it again now that I have the tips and tools of the cleansing breaths, plus I have a bit more confidence in my own connection with myself.

Oh no, I just had another flashback to when he thanked me for teaching him intimacy so he could use it on his future partner. Ouch. This hurt more than I’d let him know. If you want to have a good laugh at my pain I talk all about this on my podcast in episode 2.

And if all of this is making you curious (or even a little tingly), I invite you to dive deeper with me inside my Pleasure Library. It’s a cozy online sanctuary that I created just for women like you. It’s a sacred, playful space filled with videos, guided audios, and practical tools to help you explore breathwork, expand your pleasure, and reconnect with your body on a whole new level.

Think of it as your personal treasure chest for pleasure, where science meets sensuality

Ready to explore? Come join the Pleasure Library and let’s breathe, play, and rise together.

I love you to the moon 

Love & Lube

Love Atiya

Founder Of The Ethereal Pleasure Oasis

Blog: What Is Eye-Gazing & How To Use It To Have Better Sex