The Worst Breakdowns Lead To The Best Breakthroughs
Even as a healer “You are not responsible for other people’s problems.”
I got into my first car accident two weeks ago. (this blog was written in July 2016)
I didn’t want to make it a big deal, especially because I was trying to deal with it emotionally.
After the accident happened I was stranded in the boondocks, my car continued to over heat and my uber app wasn’t working. I ended up catching a ride home with the nicest tow truck driver ever, after waiting outside of a church, 45 minutes away from my home, for two hours.
The person in the other car and I both made it out of the accident alive, I have a sore back but after I got my perspective I realized that’s something to be grateful for. I actually felt like the accident caused a rebirth.
A rebirth to my independent self, a rebirth of the Atiya I’ve always wanted to be but never felt like I was allowed to be.
I started asking myself questions like:
“Who am I waiting for permission from?”
“What took me so long?”
A few days after my accident, I had a complete breakdown. I couldn’t even finish a full conversation with my mom without sobbing. I was a mess. I could barely even walk; I had to lean on walls to stay up. My morale was just so down. The worst part about it was that my parents felt so helpless. Although that was a very painful few days, I learned one of my biggest lessons so far.
My parents couldn’t “fix” me, my friends are going through their own stuff so they definitely couldn’t “fix” me… The only person who I could turn to was the universe and myself.
I dragged myself out of my bed and onto the floor and just cried and talked to the stars, in hopes that I would see the light. I went outside and made myself write forgiveness statements to myself.
That next morning I spoke to my dad and I didn’t even feel like opening my mouth to speak, he sounded so hurt by my state of mind but I knew he was trying to keep my spirits up. After that conversation I picked up one of my favorite books “The four agreements” and I read the second to last chapter when the author talks about the angel of death and how a metaphoric death has to happen in order for you to be reborn in love.
After I read that chapter, I went outside and I meditated, I saged myself and then I wrote about five situations from my past that are always in the back of my mind that needed to be released. I wrote down what the situation was and then I wrote down all of the ways it made me who I am and all of the ways that I over came everything.
Things my breakdown taught me:
-It’s time to start living for myself and putting myself first.
-I cannot fix someone. It isn’t my job or my responsibility.
-If someone’s energy is off it is not my responsibility to explain why I need space from them.
-I have the right to be able to take a break from people and their issues so that I can focus on my own damn issues.
-I need to take a break from people in order for my love and appreciation for them to grow.
-I love alone time.
-I have to look out for me.
It is very rare that someone asks me “How I am” … In the midst of all the things I was going through, a “friend” actually unfriended me on Facebook because we hadn’t communicated in a while. She even reached out to my mom about my lack of communication with her, without even asking if I was okay.
In my earlier years of life I used to be there for EVERYONE at ALL TIMES. Now, that I’ve started focusing on myself and my own well being, it’s interesting to see the way that people in my life handle this shift.
Some people stay along for the ride; they know I’m not perfect and they’re proud that I’m actually living for ME.
Others aren’t able to see it that way. I’m learning that I don’t have to explain ANYTHING to ANYONE. 9/10 if your energy will help me grow, I won’t need a break from you. I only take breaks when I feel like someone’s growth or lack there or is conflicting with mine… but at the end of the day I don’t NEED to give someone a reason why I need a break! IT’S MY DAMN LIFE!
Even as a healer You are not responsible for other people’s problems.
My most recent breakdown taught me that you are the only person who can “fix” how you’re feeling.
I spent the first four months after I moved trying to encourage everyone I loved to get their lives together. Even before I left, I was always sending people self help books, recommending therapy, meditation, writing etc… and I’d get so frustrated when people wouldn’t take the steps to become enlightened. I took several breaks from my NY friends because I started feeling like I was slowing down my growth process so that they could keep up. I even told my friends this! I started becoming more invested in their own lives then they were!
During my breakdown my parents tried to recommend some things but nothing was working, well it probably was but at the time I just couldn’t hear it.
Once I decided to look within, everything that I learned, stayed with me, because it came from an internal source. I was determined not to waste another day feeling bad for myself.
That was the lesson. I was not put on this earth to fix people.
Yes I can heal people, through healing myself, but my sole purpose on this earth isn’t to “fix” someone. First you have to acknowledge that you need help, help from yourself and whatever higher power you believe in.
I had a guy hit me up on instagram and for years and years I gave him advice about the same things. Shortly after I had my epiphany, he reached out to me for some advice about his depression. I told him that I was going through the same thing and that there’s absolutely no advice I could give to him except to look within. I told him although the breakdown may be painful, the break through will be so rewarding.
He didn’t believe that he could break out of it. I remembered that it wasn’t my responsibility to make him see that he could. No matter what I said in that very moment, it wouldn’t convince him of anything other then what he already believed.
Sometimes when you’re depressed or dealing with depression you actually find comfort in your sadness. You’ve felt it for so long, although it feels wrong, it also feels a little right.
I’m speaking from experience.
The good news is, at some point, you become so uncomfortable that you MUST … I repeat MUST look within. When I stopped avoiding myself, I found so many answers and after wading through the darkness I finally saw the light, I saw that I am the light.
Live your life. You don’t owe anyone anything. You deserve your own love, time and patience and if others cannot respect that, that’s very personal on their part. It is disrespectful to your growth process and to yourself to allow people to experience you, who don’t want to see you fly, because they’re scared of their own transformation.
In my next blog I am going to talk about embracing my independence.
Thank you for reading!
Xoxo Atiya Lee